When we were last here we were moaning about etiquette. Get some bleedin' manners will you?!
This time round we're going to get all apoplectic in da house about travelling on London public transport.

For all of us who jump on a bus, tube or train every day - several times a day - then take heed. Your education starts here. From now on, follow these six simple rules:

1 - When getting on a bus, don't barge to the front of the queue when you've just arrived - let the people who've been waiting fucking ages get on first. Can you not clock those evil daggers boring into you?

2 - When you're buying your ticket at the machine or about to enter the turnstile, have your money/card/oyster card ready to hand, there's nothing more annoying than being stuck behind you!

3 - When you're moving with the flow of people in the underground, don't walk like geriatrics waddling to the tea room. It's OK to break a wee sweat. And for cripes sake, walk on the left side, can't you read the signs?

4 - When it's a packed tube, don't be an ignorant lump, walk down the carriage!

5 - Bums, beggers, general miscreants, do you realise how much you stink - bog off!

6 - London transport is not a place to try and pull or have a go at 'frottage' - keep your filthy mitts and wandering eyes to yourself (unless you're Johnny Depp, of course).