Dear Love Coach,

I'm having a real issue with what the etiquette is these days for first dates. I went out for dinner with this girl last week, who I really, really like, and she gave me evil daggers when I suggested we split the bill. She hasn't returned my calls since.

I thought modern women wanted to go Dutch? Or am I seriously mistaken?

John, Exeter


Dear John,

Oh Lord. Haven't you learned anything John?

Back in my day it was expected that the man should pay for everything, and I found that suffocating. Now women have their own money and the freedom to spend it on what they want, where they want, when they want. But the golden rule of dating - from now and forevermore - is always pick up the tab on the first date!

If you carry on like this you will never get laid ever again. Good luck dearie!

Dear Love Coach,

I've been dating my girlfriend Laura for nearly three months. She's a top girl, and the sex is good, but she doesn't like me kissing her on the mouth - during sex or otherwise - and it's starting to do my head in. What should I do?

Dave, Ilford, Essex


Dear Dave

This is a delicate situation, isn't it darling? Must be terribly hard for you. But it sounds to me like this girl of yours has some issues. Not enjoying being kissed on the mouth is something those filthy hookers do. Are you sure she hasn't been on the game at some point? If not then it must be some deep-rooted issue that she needs to see someone about.
Sweetie, kissing is the greatest part of love-making, if she isn't up for a smooch then I would suggest finding someone who is.

Dear Love Coach,


I've done something terrible, please help me. I got drunk at my brother-in-law's wedding last month and gave him a blow job in the toilets during the reception. I can't really remember exactly how it happened, all I know is that I feel totally mortified by the event and am totally paranoid that my husband is going to find out. I'm so miserable!


Cathy, East Dulwich, London


Cathy darling,
What a silly girl you have been! My dear, you should watch how much you drink if this is what happens to you - goodness me! Try and drink plenty of water and stick to the sausages at the buffet in future! Keep your chin up, your brother-in-law won't dare risk saying anything. It will all be forgotten about in a few weeks. Thanks goodness he didn't slip you one - it could have been worse.