After a couple of weeks I have given up this new rave lark. I don't think it was really me (bright colours did nothing for my complexion) especially after some new rave band called the Klaxons that I've never heard of won the Mercury Prize. They looked like right twats on the telly - I reckon they might have been on E - so I have decided to back to my jeans and t-shirt look.

So I'm still single. Not had any action for ages, which is a slight worry. If I wank any more my wrist is going to snap and my neighbours are going to call the police. Think my mum must have suspected something (how was I to know it was going to be her when I answered the phone mid Jordan-at-a-foam-party fantasy?) as she has started setting me up with her friends' daughters.

The first one was local fish n chip shop girl Jenny. Her face was alright - part Jennifer Lopez, part Dot Cotton - but she clearly had her fingers in the fryer more times that in the till. I can handle cuddly but trust me, if this girl went on top I'd be history before you could say 'extra mayo please'.

The next date was with Shelley who sews buttons on shirts in the dry-cleaners. She seemed nice at first, and I actually quite fancied her, but when I leaned in to kiss her goodnight she head-butted me to the pavement. I wish my mum had told me she despised all men.

Can't blame my dear old mum for trying to help, but from now on, I am going to take control of my own destiny.