I have always wondered what it would be like to date a celebrity. I've been dreaming alot recently about DJing at private members' parties at that China White's in central London. I get introduced to types like that fit Chanelle off Big Brother who's always getting her kit off, and that blonde bird with huge knockers with the handicapped kid.

Hmmm... I wonder what it would be like to be the one shagging them at the end of the night, and being forever papped by Heat magazine. I bet it would be wicked, and I reckon it would suit me to a tee.

I often drift off mid-set at the local pub here in Twickenham, imagining what it would be like to have a piece of celeb totty. My DJ career would be bumped up a notch or two, f'sure. Just imagine - I could end up being the next Fatboy Slim. Amazing.

I can see the headlines in the red tops now:

'DJ Antic woos Hollywood', 'Look out, Antic's about'.

Lock up your celeb daughters - here I come.